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Report: 50% Of Heaven’s Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second

Trending story found on www.theonion.com
Report: 50% Of Heaven’s Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second
WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Monday, roughly half the population of Heaven is composed of total assholes who begged for God’s forgiveness at the last moment before dying. “Our data show that 50 percent of the inhabitants of the Heavenly Kingdom were total pricks and sleazebags on Earth who waited until their very final breath to plead with God for mercy,” said report co-author Janet Ryder, adding that a survey of celestial records confirmed that one of every two residents of the eternal paradise willfully lived sinful existences and shamelessly committed immoral acts before seeking clemency in the...
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